It’s not often that I write a completely personal post but I have something that’s important to me to say and I happen to have a forum to say it on. My intention isn’t just to rant but more of an open letter and maybe make people think. If they want to disagree or dismiss my opinion, that’s ok.
Something’s been happening in my life for sometime now that’s really bothers me. I’ve tried to not let it bother me but then I realized that I wouldn’t be human if it didn’t and it SHOULD bother me. It should bother anyone. The world (well in mine anyway) has seemed to lost respect for the RSVP or just honouring commitments in general. My problem is with the bailers of the world. I think the evolving world of digital communication has something to do with it but that’s really just a screen to mask our human behaviour.
I’m a social person, I like to keep myself busy and I work hard at building new relationships and keeping the old ones strong. Yes I’m single and I don’t have a family, so friends play a large role in my life, but I don’t think that’s particularly relevant when it comes to respect and relationships.
For me, something is wrong when at least 50% of the plans I make with people are cancelled, usually at the last moment. Now I’m not some kind of selfish ego maniac that believes the world revolves around me and my social calendar. OF COURSE I understand that things come up, people get sick, kids are a handful, it was a long day etc, etc. but those should be the exception – not what’s become the norm. And no, sending a text message with “sorry..but have a great time! :) “ doesn’t make it ok. Even with a smiley face.
I’ve realized that I’ve started to get anxiety about the weekends and social events. As a result, I’ve decided to see what effect green hulu kapuas may have on my anxiety and general wellness. Will this person(s) actually come through or will I be left hanging? Which happens often. It started as something quite minor, but the more this has happened to me, the more I’ve realised that my anxiety is getting worse. Many people take things to help themselves through it (which you can get more details from i49 about). I think it’s something that I can manage on my own for now, but nevertheless, I have started to research things that I could do to help manage my anxiety. It turns out that lots of people are using cannabis and you can now get thc oil in thc juul pods, which you can put in a vape. I have never been tempted to vape, but this may just change my mind.
I’ve started to do many things on my own, which is both a little sad but also somewhat liberating. I would much rather do things with my friends, but this helps to remove the anxiety of waiting to see if they actually come through. I know I could try a CBDistillery coupon too, but I want to try other methods for myself first. I’m also sad to say that my sympathy barometer has taken a big dip, which I hate as someone who considers themselves a good person, but it’s true.
What has been most hurtful is the times that I’ve hosted events, large or small and watch my text/email inbox fill with excuses on the day of the event, sometimes just an hour or two before. And if you’ve ever come over to casa Melissa, even just for dinner, you know that there is no shortage of time & effort that goes into it. As a host it takes time, work and money to plan something and if you never know who is actually going to show up it makes it very stressful. I’ve been left with a feast for myself and a big grocery bill on more than one occasion because my guest list of 10 went down to 2 at the last moment.
When it comes down to it I guess the objective of this post is more about friendship and respect for each other than silly social events. Friendships, new or old are indeed relationships that need to be nourished and don’t work if they’re one-sided. Are you a bailer? Maybe you never really stopped to think about it. That’s ok, it happens to all of us. Sometimes we can be totally unaware of our behaviour and how it’s effecting those around us. No one’s saying that you have to be super friend or a Social Butterfly that agrees to everything but if you do agree, then have respect for your friend and the commitment and think twice before sending that text to cancel. Because having good friends is one of the best things about life, even though the craziness of life makes us forget it every once and awhile.
12 responses to “{A PERSONAL NOTE: the RSVP}”
Oh, girl. I totally feel you on this one. Part of the reason (not a major part, but it contributed) that I moved back to the East Coast was because I was experiencing something very similar. There was no one I could rely on. I would sometimes go weeks without seeing anyone outside of work/school. Getting someone to even meet for a drink or coffee became like pulling teeth. I took it super personally for awhile (and I think that’s fair, for sure) but came to realize that my friends didn’t even seem to get what they were doing. I was single and living on my own at the time, and many of them lived with boyfriends or roommates. I genuinely think that no one realized how much time had passed since genuine face-to-face interaction because they were getting that at home. Coming from a culture (Maritimes) where socializing is a main priority for most people and no one thinks twice about stopping for a pint with friends on the way home from work, it was hard to deal with. I’m happy to say it’s totally turned around now that I’m back home where other people’s values and priorities match my own – but I totally get how frustrating and hurtful it is when people don’t follow through. xo
Definitely a tough call….I’ve had to cancel on friends before due to car issues or just bad weather and I always feel really bad.
Do you find this has always been happening or just more recently over the winter? I’ve found with myself that this winter has just been so crappy I honestly have no drive to want to do anything. All I want to do is get home, change my clothes, be comfy and not think about being outside. It’s a shady excuse but I think it has happened to a lot of people this winter.
I am a former professional ditcher so I have been the annoying one lots of times – personally, I have a horrible combination of social anxiety, worrying too much, and the need to please people, So often I would accept literally every social invitation I could get (to make my friends happy), then bail because I was nervous and scared and didn’t want to see anyone due to the social anxiety. Unfortunately, ditching someone feels really shitty and eventually people stopped inviting me places.
Now I don’t really have any friends besides my boyfriend, but I’d like to think that if I did, I would treat them better than I did in the past. I guess my point is that no matter what the reason is, whether it is social anxiety like me or just laziness or whatever, it’s unkind and pretty unacceptable to ditch plans with little to no notice, Once isn’t a big deal, all the time is ridiculous. Wish I had some do-overs myself!
Im with Erin !. I have major social anxiety and sometimes friend will beg a Yes from me…my obligatory anxiety goes through the roof! But I DO tend to keep scheduled things out of respect. ;)
I think one of the best things about having a blog is being able to share your passion but also connect with your readers. It seems like we’ve been feeling the same way lately and I can totally relate to this post. What you are describing happens to me very, very often. It REALLY got me down a couple of weeks ago when I was planning something special and almost everyone cancelled on me. Some for a good excuse others, I’m not so sure. One of my biggest pet peeves are flaky people or those who can’t commit to plans. You know the type. Like when you ask them if they’re free they say, “…I should be okay”. And I emphasize ‘should’ in italics. Lately I’ve been feeling like a backup plan or an afterthought for people I really care about and it’s becoming exhausting. Especially when you genuinely just want to spend some time with the people you love most. I actually have a few people in my life that even if they RSVP yes, I’m still doubting whether they will actually show up.
I mean, I get that things come up and weather has been shitty but I don’t think you should commit to something if you’re not entirely sure about coming. Or like you said, just be honest. If you know you’ll be super swamped with something that day just decline. Not only is it common courtesy, it’s also having respect for people’s time. I may not be a parent but I work my ass off and my time is just as valuable as those who have kids and families.
I get what you mean about anxiety around social events. I’m a little terrified about making plans with people at this point. I’m slowly learning to make time for those who really value my company and appreciate the effort and time I put into hosting events.
And, I need to stop now because this is the longest comment I’ve ever written. Thanks for letting me vent on your blog! Also, speaking of being social, we should get together for coffee soon. I’d love to pick your brain on a few things. You inspire me and I promise I won’t bail on you :)
Thanks for sharing Amy. Your comment is a blog post on its own!
I completely agree with you. I’ve even found myself not making plans with people because I feel like they are constantly bailing or cancelling. I feel bad that I’m not putting the effort into doing things anymore but I’m tired of feeling “rejected”. That may seem a bit extreme but I get it, it can be exhausting. I’ve always tried to not cancel and not be a flake, sometimes I go to things even when I don’t want to because I made the commitment, most of the time I end up having a great time but I think it’s really important to stick to your commitments. Best of luck :)
Shanondoah I could’ve written that whole paragraph myself, word for word. Thanks so much for sharing.
I totally agree! Ive bailed on people a couple of times and I always feel SUPER guilty after so I really truly try not to. I used to run into this issue when hosting parties too. I hate how some people just dont respond and I can only assume it is because they are hoping a better option opens up for that Saturday. grrr.
Try to treat people like YOU would like to be treated!
Such a great post, Melissa! I’ve been the bailer (I think we all have, at one time or another), but I never feel good about it, and I always try to make it up to the people I bailed on. I agree with just declining in the first place if you know you won’t be able to make it (or even just don’t want to) and that’s what I’ve been doing now because that makes people feel less bad, and the host knows exactly whom and what to expect. I, too, have been bailed on after going through much effort to plan something special and it suuuuuucks!! Feelings get hurt and food gets thrown away – neither are good. If it’s any consolation, know so many of us are there with you, and though I haven’t yet made it to a Blogger Brunch, know I’m going to do my damndest to be at the next one because you are one cool chick and I totally wanna hang out with you!
Thanks for sharing Thalita. I look forward to seeing you at a Blog Brunch! If you bail you are banned from the group. JK!
Thanks everyone for your detailed feedback. It’s not always easy to put your feelings out there, especially about your own life. It’s great to get a discussion going.